Carli Jeen

I can't remember when it started.

Did it happen right after I received another negative comment on an article I wrote for work? Or did it happen when another person slammed me for being a non-credible food blogger? Was it because I wasn't getting the attention of other people on my Facebook page?

There are questions I continue to ask. But like the many I've previously asked, I never received an answer to them.

My creative slump spiraled out of control that it led me to a depressive state. I hated and blamed everyone for all the wrong things that were happening to me. I kept convincing myself that I was cursed long enough to actually believe it to be true.

I would post Facebook statuses as an "experiment" and see that they truly weren't getting any comments or likes-- these experiments further led me to affirm that I was doomed, that I was genuinely and utterly unlucky in social media; if that's a possibility.  

I kept asking questions. For affirmation. For assurance-- Are you reading my blog?

But deep down, I knew I was talking to air.

I wanted to give it all up. I wanted to stop everything I was doing and rediscover what I loved about writing in the first place.

Here are some realizations I made during this creative slump:

The people you thought were out to get you weren't actually out to get you. Sometimes, it's all in your mind and it's all your own expectations of yourself.

It is important that you keep evolving as a writer. Keep reading. Find people who inspire you.

Find your happiness. Or create it. If you can't find happiness, look at the little things and remember to be grateful.

Stay away from negativity. You don't need this in your life, especially now.

Everyone has creative slumps, too. You are not alone. At least two other friends have reached out to me and have shared that they, too, experience creative slumps.

Knowing these realizations, I've slightly emerged from my creative slump. I have accepted that these things happen, not just to me or just because I'm unlucky, but to everyone.

Just recently, I attended a PPC seminar that took a whole weekend. Everything about the workshop was a bit too technical for me (at this point). But it's funny because I never knew that workshop would snap me out of my creative slump. The funny thing is, while I was conversing with the speaker, Jun Baranggan of Cebu Digital Hub, he told me something that slapped me right on my face without him even realizing it.

You need to keep attending conferences to keep learning new things. And when you attend these, sit in front. Talk with the speaker when the conference is done. The speaker will not know who you are unless you introduce yourself.

For the past four years, I've limited myself from attending conferences since I thought I knew all these things already. I kept thinking I would rather focus on my work and just read anything I want through the internet. So yes, I knew those things… until eventually, I ended up knowing nothing at all.

I was already #latetotheparty. All the people who started alongside my journey as a freelancer had already stepped up in their careers. I remember attending a speaking engagement in Makati where Bianca Consunji talked to us about her work as an Editor-in-Chief for a magazine. Guess what, she's now in New York working as a Supervising Producer for Buzzfeed News.

Bianca Consunji, Columbia Journalism School

Another writer who I can remember from my freelancing days in Makati is Niña Terol, whom I still get in touch with on occasions, is a powerhouse on her own. Apart from being McCann Philippines' AVP for Corporate Affairs, she has also co-founded Kick Fire Kitchen, which is "a team of motivators and idea catalysts who are passionate about inspiring creativity, innovation, and purpose-driven growth in individuals and teams (in different parts of the world!)" In addition to that, Niña has been an inspiration for me with her weight loss journey.  

Niña Terol, Spark Fest 2017

This is why I have decided to stop blaming my luck on social media and start doing things right. I am trying to unlearn everything I already know and add new things to my plate. Hopefully, I'll be able to reach my goals too.

So what have I learned from my creative slump?

Like Bianca and Niña, their paths may have been better now but it's definitely no easy way to the top. I know they've had their share of personal struggles to be where they are today. But the important thing is that they did not give up.

Lately, it seems like everyone I know is getting promoted or recognized at their workplace. One of my friends just found a new job (after almost three months of quitting her previous work) and she found herself as a Marketing Manager for a beauty and skin care product. And while I'm genuinely happy for her, I can't help but wonder what I'm doing wrong in my career.

But I can't help but wonder when did I start looking like this, my nose has even gotten wider by the second. It's quite disappointing since I used to have a dream. I used to be so sure of what I wanted in life. But now, none of those things fit me.

I feel stuck 

Instead, I feel stuck; stuck in a job I'm so eager to move on from yet can't find something else that will be a better option. And if there's something else that comes along, I can't seem to fathom the idea of doing the same thing all over again.

But then again, I feel like I lost precious time. I'm no longer as proficient as I once was in my words. And I feel like everyone else has already gained so much recognition and success in the same field.

I feel inadequate

I've been blogging on and off since 2010. I've deleted far too many blogs than I can count on both hands. But given my experience, I still have not found success as a blogger. I have never been recognized for an award or anything of that sort.

More recently, I was talking with a bunch of other bloggers that said this other blogger was "genuinely recommended" for his food blog. I felt heartbroken upon reading this because I, too, have a food blog that I've been trying to boost since 2013. He only started his blog in 2015 yet he has been able to build quite a following since he posts regularly and is so active on social media.

I have to commend him actually, because of his sociable skills. He is very talented in speaking with other people, especially business owners. Meanwhile, I prefer to stay silent and be an invisible critic. He frequents blogging events and even has high demands for the giveaways he receives from each event he goes to. On my end, I try to attend these events and only pick the ones that are really in tune to my blog.

So why am I comparing our blogs? Because people say he is a very credible blogger, whereas I have not obtained any recognition or compliment for what I'm doing. I feel like it's a very biased point since they don't really know what goes on behind the blog.

I don't feel beautiful 

Ever since I turned 30 (and gained a few pounds), I have never heard someone give me a compliment. I've never heard someone say I looked pretty in the outfit I was wearing or that I was plainly beautiful.

This realization makes me question what had happened? Was it because I gained weight? Was it because I am now married? Do other women the same age as me still get these compliments? Is this something that other women feel when they turned 30?

These things make me wonder what I did wrong with my life. One minute I was being nominated on social media (Friendster days) as one of the hotties in our local city. The next, no one's even saying I'm beautiful.

Because of these things, I no longer feel beautiful. Whenever I look at myself in the mirror or see a photo of me, I always want to delete my face out. I can't recognize the girl staring back at me. I can't see myself in her. Have I been that way all along and was just disillusioned?

I feel invisible 

Another thing that's been bothering me for quite some time now is that people don't see me. It feels like I'm invisible to people, including my relatives and close friends. It's been a while but I've been observing how my relatives treat me.

On Viber, we have this group where everyone sends in random stuff. But I've noticed that whenever it's my turn to share something, no one responds. It's like I'm invisible and all alone in the room.

This has been going on ever since my dad died around four years ago. I've always wondered why my relatives (from his side of the family) shut me out. It's as if I'm no longer part of the family just because my dad's no longer around. For years, I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt. But because it's been happening ever so often, the question has been bugging me already.

I feel alone 

My friends don't even bother to ask me how I am. It's like the only time they'll get in touch with me is if I started a conversation with them.

When did it start becoming like this? They have their own set of friends now and I feel like I'm an outsider looking into their lives, partly still wanting to be included. I miss them so much but I feel like I'm just a nobody to them.



Because of these things, I feel like I'm a glitch in the system. Like I'm not supposed to be here on earth at all. But I'm holding on to my faith. I'm holding on to God's promise. But if that disappears, I might as well too.

Am I invisible? Is my life not interesting enough anymore? Why don't I feel loved by the people who are supposed to be there? Do you care?

I have a voice and my own story to share. Are you listening?


Photo source: Pexels

My 20s was filled of crazy adventures and enjoyable stories. Now that I'm 30, does that mean I should be boring now? Should I be less fun since I'm already (gulp) old?

If you're turning 30 soon (or you're already in your 30s), this doesn't mean it's the end of being a lively person. It just means that you now know how to live your life better and not go at it one day at a time. Here are some realities about the lives of 30 somethings that you may be able to relate to know:

You actually know what the hell you're talking about.

You know the saying "Fake it till you make it?" Well, you no longer have to fake it. At this point in your life, you actually do know what you're talking about. And often, this gives you the opportunity to train interns or new hires in your office. All that hard work has finally paid off!

You're actually fine with having fewer friends.

No, it's not because you just decided to stay close with a few friends. Life in your 30s means you have less time to deal with drama brought along by toxic people. You actually value the people who have stayed with you through thick and thin and know that they are your true friends.

You don't want to deal with drama.

Going back to the previous point, you already know if someone is going to be too much to handle and avoid putting yourself in that situation. You can identify bad company and know you have nothing to lose if you stay away.

You don't get offended when people say you're starting to look like your mom.

In fact, you greatly appreciate it when people compare you with your parents and say that you're starting to be like them. Not to mention, your relationship with your parents have already gotten stronger and you can relate to how they feel sometimes.

You feel at home in your house.

Particularly if you lived in a dorm during College, being at home feels better all the time. And there are just some days when you prefer to stay home.

Your taste in fashion has toned down.

You can only laugh at yourself when you try to remember that you used to dress just like everybody else when you were in your 20s. You know now that when you shop, you're buying a piece that will be comfortable to wear and not something that will only be trendy. Oh, and bonus points if you can re-wear them and pair them with different items in your closet!

You're all too familiar with "this too shall pass".

You know that when you're in a bad situation, it won't last very long. You've seen it happen before and know that it is a learning opportunity for you to be better in the future.

You worry less about certain things.

You don't let small things affect you and freak you out since you know they're not worth your time or attention.

You can cook a decent meal for yourself.

At this point in your life, you already know how much money you can save when you cook your meals at home instead of eating out all the time. Plus, you may have even found cooking to be therapeutic.

You know how to treat yourself.

And because you know you're saving money by cooking your meals, you also give yourself a break from time to time and go for an enjoyable treat. This is why you savor these treats more.

You've finally saved money for yourself.

And yes, it's still a continuous process.

You can finally laugh at your mistakes.

Your stories often begin with "remember that time when" or "I used to..." These stories were usually the ones that made you want to hide in a hole in the ground. But now, as you relive these stories, you can't help but laugh.

You actually know what you want and what you don't want.

It may have taken you (a lot of) wrong turns but you can actually say that you trust yourself whenever you're being made to choose what you want and don't want.

You value memories you make when you're sober.

While you can enjoy a glass or two of wine, you know that the goal is not to get drunk but to enjoy spending time with your friends or family.

You spend time with family more.

You know they're the ones who will always be with you so you try to make up the lost years with them.

You value life and all its complexities.

You don't take your life for granted. And whenever you experience some tough times, you know there's a silver lining at the end.

What other life lessons have you learned from your 20s and how can you apply it in your 30s?